Ever notice how much of your day is spent pretending and being fake with other people? Here are two important ways you pretend and why.
One of the most limiting Blindspots we have as leaders is Making It; being approved of, liked by, or accepted by others. Others in this case, are people you have decided to give special attention to; bosses, colleagues, and specific people in you personal life. These individuals cause you anxiety because you have decided that they stand out and require special treatment. Irrespective of all the workshops, books, and skills you have busily acquired, all of these relationships will be constrained, and sometimes rendered useless, by your need to gain approval and acceptance from this select group of relationships in your life and career.
Stop and consider how much time you spend trying to make it with others. Take a moment and identify one person in your working life that you pay this kind of special attention to. Now tally up the number of concerns you have about what they think, feel, don’t feel, say about you, don’t say about you, and all the opinions you’re sure they have or heard they have through the grapevine - even though they've never directly said them to you. Just take a moment and add up the amount of time you spend thinking about what they are thinking about.
Now, inventory all the people in your life that you are currently trying to make it with; clients, colleagues, other parents, family members, team mates, etc... Consider that you are dominated by this fundamental, and all to human, drive. More surprisingly, consider that when it comes to making it your behaviour falls into one of two categories of pretending:
- you sell-out on saying what matters to you, or
- "I-don't-care" becomes your mantra
Selling-Out
With some people, you are continually selling-out on saying what matters to you, fearing rejection of your thoughts and contributions. This category is self-evident when you hear yourself downplaying your true interest in something. You’ll say, "It's just a thought," or “no problem,” or “I was just wondering", when that’s not even close to what you mean. Or, you won’t even mention it at all, even when it’s vitally important to you.
The cost to you of selling-out is immeasurable. You diminish yourself every time you do it. And you know it.
I Don't Care
This is the less obvious category of making it. In fact, this behaviour is designed to "throw others of your trail" and convince them that you are actually disinterested inmaking it! In the end, however, your "I don't care" attitude comes from a deep resignation about not being able to make it with people. You become so resigned that you just stop trying. You will distance yourself from other people before they can reject you first. This can look a couple different ways.
- You are one of those superficially nice people who is positive. And you use your positivism as a wall between you and others so you don't have to talk about anything real and risk not making it with them, or
- You are aloof and arrogant (although you may not notice it) and you pride yourself on being right, special, or above it all. Like the other strategies, if you pretend in this way, it comes from a unique decision you made as a child. There was a moment where you were rejected and decided you are a failure at making it. In that moment you adopted a context for life called, "I don't need you" OR "don't tell me what to do" or "I don't care what you think.”
Said another way, your "I don't care" facade is a reaction to trying to make it. You’re a big rebel and hold it up as a badge of honour. You are unique, your own person, don’t need anyone, and dozens of other stories you tell yourself so you don't have to risk getting your heart broken in life again.
Either way, you are dominated by making it.
But what if you didn't have to make it anymore? What if you could stop pretending and stop using so much energy to survive other people. What kind of leader would you get to be? The pursuit of this should be worth everything you've got. And the first step would require you to tell the truth. jThe next step is to create the courage to be who you really are in every conversation. In other words, the next step is to be free.
Welcome to our work.
