One thing in the blindspot of almost every leader is how alone they are. Not in the sense that it’s lonely at the top, though it is. And not in a literal sense, in that there is nowhere to turn and no one who could contribute. However, all people and all leaders operate from a personalized version of survival mode (their default context) called “I’m all alone”.
Test it for yourself.
Bring to mind a challenge that you are dealing with right now.
Make a list (on paper...go ahead…get a pen) of all the people you would never in a million years ask for help or perspective.
Be honest…it’s a pretty big list.
It includes all the people who “don’t get it,” and all the people who “don’t like you,” and all the people who are “nursing a grudge” against a previous decision you made. And, don’t forget to include the list of people who “can’t handle it,” those who “don’t know what it’s like,” and the ones you “can’t be vulnerable in front of,” which includes everyone you report to.
How could you possibly go to them for assistance?
Now keep testing. Make a list of all the people that you could go to for advice but you haven’t yet. This includes all the people that are “too busy” and the ones who you tried already and they didn’t return your phone call/e-mail and probably “don’t care.” And it includes all those contacts that “it’s been too long” since you connected.
It includes the ones that are “too important,” and the ones that are “hard to reach,” and the ones who have “moved on to better things,” and the ones for whom “it wouldn’t be worth their time.”
How many people on your list so far?
But, hey, there actually are some people that you have already gone to for help. You called and talked. You had coffee. Maybe you bought them lunch. Good for you. Now make a list of all those people and continue with all the things you didn’t tell them and all the things you didn’t say, even though you wanted to say them and knew you should.
What concerns did you keep to yourself? What hopes did you hide? What expectations did you downplay? What assumptions did you pretty up for them to make them more presentable? What priorities did you pretend were farther along than they actually are? What strongly held beliefs and values did you give short shrift to in order to avoid judgment or criticism? What needs did you not fully articulate?
What fears did you have going through your head while you talked to them that never made it into words?
You’re not alone.
There are people all around you who can help, or at least listen until you figure out how to help yourself. But inside a paradigm called “I’m alone”, which lives in your blindspot, you can’t see all the obvious actions and conversations that would contribute to what you are dealing with right now.
And the worst part is that you will use this instance and the help you didn’t get (and never really asked for, or asked for and then rejected) as proof that your paradigm of “I’m alone” was right all the time. And that is the self-fulfilling prophecy of leadership, unless you discover what’s in your blindspot and drag it out where you can disrupt it.
What if you looked at all three of those lists again, but from a context of “we’re in this together”, or “we have shared values and goals”.
What might open up for you then, and what new conversation might you have?
